This week I was faced with a major dilemma. I have been given a date for surgery, 30.11.16, however Professor Kaye will not be the neurosurgeon. Instead it will be Nickolas Hall, someone I had never heard of before. My heart sank when I received the call. At the time I wasn't thinking clearly enough to question the danger of the tumour growing, I just knew that I was waiting for Professor Kaye no matter how long that took.
I have had lots of advise from family and friends who have had nothing but good intentions but in the end the decision is mine to make. I know that for the sake of my mental health I need to have this surgery sooner rather than later. Although it's not intentional, the operation is all I think about. It's hard living in limbo. Not being about to plan basic things like Christmas Day because I am unsure of how I will come out the other side if I go through with this surgery. I can't imagine what state I will have myself in by the time I am given another date in the new year.
One of my biggest fears with the surgery is damage occurring to my facial nerve. People can look at me now and not know that I have a disability. If I have a facial droop, I fear that people will treat me differently. I have worked myself into such a frenzy that I have started dreaming about this at night.
I wrote a post on the NF forum asking if anyone had experience with Nickolas Hall. The feedback I received was really positive. It is always reassuring when people are able to advise you from their personal experience because you tend to hear only of the negatives on forums.
And of course I also consulted Google!
When I spoke with the waitlist nurse a couple of days after the original call I will still undecided. Someone had told me to follow my gut. As the nurse spoke to me my instinct told me to go with it so I said yes. She was just as surprised as I was. When I hung up the phone I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I still had one half of the 'A team', Robert Briggs the ENT and that is reassuring. Prof Kaye is certainly not known for his bed side manor (or maybe he is in a negative way!!!) so it will be good to have a surgeon who I can actually talk too. And although work should never factor into my decision, it did. This is a good time of year to have 8 weeks off as everything winds down to Christmas.
As I lay in bed the night before the surgery I feel sick. The nerves kicked in yesterday and I have been on edge ever since. At least this time tomorrow it will be all over. Fingers crossed all the worry has been for nothing. X